what ails me

it has been a very pleasant weekend

and my body has me thinking it is deteriorating. well, it is deteriorating – we come to these bodies with an expiration date.

though i believe it to be foolish for one to think they know the future; it is an eternal flow of possibilities.

so, my statement regarding my mortality is a bit insane.

it’s just that it has seemed for me for a while that i haven’t been operating physically at an optimum for some time… and nothing seems to shift my physical well-being.

oh, never mind… this obviously isn’t going public – this isn’t the topic for friendly conversation.

sex and death are the two givens on this planet that are intimately intertwined with our lives; but we shan’t talk of them opening and with ease… no, we shall whisper their potentials into the hallowed pages of centerfolds and memorial prayer business cards scattered about chapel parking lots like loose feathers from an ascending angel’s wings.

hmmm… i seem to have gotten off track; where was i?

oh, yes… it has been a very pleasant weekend

what we imagine; what we dream – wake up

i have read that we don’t get to choose what are dreams and what is reality; we’re either asleep or awake.

and yet, life could be a dream…

row, row, row…

 

Peace in the valley

What have i learned this week?

That we are interconnected… there are no secrets.

So, why do we live as though there are?

I don’t know the answer to that. It seems it is a choice.

The beauty and Hope of Life is we can change our mind. In changing our mind, we change our outlook.

In changing our outlook, we change Life.

Life is Good. Life is Love.

tall, tall mountain

thus ends another week; and weak I am…

I truly have doubts about my ability to succeed – to accomplish some of the big dream items I still have.

  • own a family home in mill valley
  • a career in at least one of the creative arts of my choosing
  • a positive, romantic relationship

and as i imagine myself this week; it’s face grind into asphalt – scabbed up and beaten down

AND – i also remain hopeful and happy…

so, yeah – what’s that all about?

I’m glad to be alive.

Wonder of Wonders

It has been an interesting week. I believe my psoriasis is getting better… and I fantasize that it is a biological symptom of transformation – me coming out of my cocoon.

Ah, ha ha ha ha ha… the silly things we imagine in order to make peace with what is.

I had a podcast taping yesterday with Brother Toast; which was very interesting. Our topic was (is?) race. Ultimately what I learned is healthy human relations rely on respect, not equality—because equality exists. We are equal. Respecting others, and ourselves, is peaceful co-existence.

I think I am also learning to be more at peace with my centered self—the core of my being. And allowing others to communicate any dissonance in our co-existence without feeling attacked, threatened… hearing their truth without judging it or reacting adversely from it.

Also a lesson I heard from Toast… as he spoke of not allowing himself to be knocked off his center of self. Another way to perhaps phrase it; not losing one’s cool regardless of what one is hearing and experiencing in any given moment.

Yeah, so… a good week. Challenging. And I know I’m not alone in the challenges of life, because family and friends have shared some of theirs with me this week.

So, as Mavis has sang…and will sing again…we are not alone.

One day at a time…

The Meaning of… What?

It is time to turn in for the day; the week… another one in the can.

Hopelessly hopeful, I retire to the dreamscape of eternity – where all things are: possible.

Love reigns supreme: and there are no backups singers. We all sing lead.

beautifully

So… as my unconscious stream springs – I wonder….

what?

The GOAT

As I write, I’m two weeks into a burning rash that has me looking like I’ve got a bad sunburn… peeling, flaky… I think the point is made. It even hurts to look sideways sometimes as my eyes pull on the dried-out lids. How’s this for an opening?

Needless to say, it’s an energy suck. And I think writing about the reasons I haven’t gone to a doctor is for a different post. Lets just leave it at, this isn’t my first experience of this sort.

AND – as I write this… Tampa Bay is celebrating a blowout win over KC; with the oldest winning quarterback to win a Super Bowl. And I think of the energy of each quarterback that played tonight; Brady and Mahomes. Is it really a case of mindset? Is that why Kansas City lost tonight- because they were out-played mentally?

That seems too trite; a simple dismissal of everything involved.

Me Myself and I

I think about my own challenges I believe in right now… as I sit here; burning and itching – success seems like an impossible dream. And how doth I weigh my success? It would be an overall joy in living. A home of my own; with all that a home brings. Vibrant health and a healing presence… of mind.

And there it is. I would have a mindset of Joyful exuberance and “go get ’em” Hope. A mindset; a state of mind.

So… shall I really find a way to climb from the hole I experience living in right now?

I sure hope so. I hope our endeavor with Prankster Entertainment is a business success! I would like to own my own home on the face of Tam with enough room for all my family to stay… I’d like to be partnered with like-minded people – where we are more likely to bolster each other to the top of our dreams instead of being defensive when things are called out that are hindering our best.

Church

When I first learned of being a goat, it was via Charles Shultz and his comic strip; Peanuts. Charlie Brown was continually the goat, the loser, the one who fell flat though he was looking at being the hero.

Is Mahomes a loser? I don’t think there are losers…

Our living in Joy is our responsibility. And I believe we each are doing our best at any moment…

This isn’t really conclusive, this post. Because, Life is unfolding – eternally… every moment to be discovered. My hope for myself and others, is that we discover our moments – and live them – as consciously as possible.

Beautifully Conflicted

I just finished transferring my podcast from a video podcast to an audio podcast, with video remaining available on YouTube.

A couple of weeks ago, I happened to check my stats on AWS where I host my podcast files. I was shocked to see a pending monthly bill in the thousands…

Expecting a budget of around $50—which is a stretch to my current budget for podcasting—i was quickly motivated to act.

As I was doing the manual labor (copy, paste, save, upload, repeat), I listened to one of the older podcasts with my brother, The Healer.

In our conversation the phrase “beautifully conflicted… came up. It hits home…

There are so many sides and opinions to matters; we all are vying to be heard—and have our will manifest… often with the result being… conflict. It’s not what we thought we were heading for; it’s not what we wanted. Yet— here we are, right smack in the middle of it.

Healing conflict is important to me; healing the conflict within me is a constant enterprise of mine.

Beautifully Conflicted resonates with forgiveness and healing. It acknowledges what is, while allowing for improvement and healing.

One step at a time.

The dead, dead grass of home

today is a good day… because i’ve remained pretty productive though the shadows of monsters unhealed peak easily through at the slightest glance within on my part.

so; i conclude one may persevere though things aren’t all in place — not all is healed…

it is not perfect

nightmares

i awoke to quite a good story of chaos playing out in my consciousness this morning

after a bit of meditating, some mantra & prayer

…i’m up and beginning my day

new day

which has many blessings to it

working out with friends and Spirited coaches.

it is time for me to quit meandering around the endless canyons and dark spaces of who i am: it is endless

it is time for productivity

as a close friend once told me; shut the f*5k up and get back to work

For Myself

This post is a rebranding… It moves me from blogging/posting – sporadically at best – for the unknown “others”, to writing for myself.

In the past, I kept a concern for friends, family, potential employers… I am my gatekeeper, editing for my imagined scenarios.

But now, as I listen to podcast commentary on Fight Club and Joker… I find; I want to write.

And I want to release me from the confines I created… the intent being, I’ll be more productive if I remove “purpose” to please my imagined audience.

There is an audience; I’m just giving one of the best seats to me.

So – will i challenge my mediocrity and start actualizing some of the things I think about?

 

I sure f**kin’ hope so… otherwise – what am I doing here?